Speaking in Tongues
Ho! Pigs! (Ho!) Me! (Ho!) Ego! (Ho!) Mustache! (Ho!) Turbocharged! (Ho!) A word that means sex! (Ho!)
Dunananat-nat-nannanananananananana! Woosh!
(toots scoop!)
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
So Easy
It would be easy. With this stuff here. I hit it like ⏩ Papp! Papp! Papp! ⏪ I make you unnerstand. CUZ I’M DEVLISH when it comes to dat! I wear the horns in this here relationship!
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Flames Go Higher
The FLAMES are rolling down Santa Monica Boulevard. Pink scarves trail over their shoulders, leather chaps frame their denim clad buttocks. It’s an army, all with cowcatcher mustaches. The light turns green and it’s time to GO! They’ve got soul, and they show it by coordinating pounds – fisting pounds – as they ride. One potato, two potato. They peel into Hollywood, ripping the pavement as they go HIGHER!
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Bad Dream Momma
“I got off with her in, like, 3 minutes. I mean, she was that hot. So, I blow out like … ‘Money? Say huh?’ … And I run downstairs straight into the Den Mother, the madame, the old crow. ‘She loved your monkey! Now pony up!’ I cold-cocked her with my pimp stick and said, ‘When you wake up, it’ll just be a bad dream, momma!’
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
English Girl
The last picture I have of my parole officer is this: he’s lying in the grass next to the Tower of Pisa in Italy. The tower is leaning. He is lying in the grass with the Tower over his shoulder. His pants are down and his cock is out and stiff. He looks like he’s comparing the arc of his shaft to the lean of the building, as if using it to measure the curvature by some geometrical theorem. Or maybe he’s saying he has the Tower of cocks. In the picture it is late, dusk, and I assume the tourists are gone. The real story is in who took the pic: the parole officer met some ENGLISH GIRL who, apparently, turned him on to things he had never heard of in his 27 years on the job.
There’s a message on the back of the pic: 🍆Keep Up the Good Work!🍆
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Stacks O’ Money
🎶One here, one there. Slip this bill in your G-string, lower that drawbridge. I’ve got mountains of honey, sugar.🎶
🎶I bought the magic beans, gave them to my girl. She planted the boogie tree and the fruit grew. Then she gave it all to you-know-who.🎶
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Midnight Creeper
J. Weatherbee was armed with a can opener. He jimmied the lock on the back door and entered the kitchen. The remnants of house party food were cooling on the counter. He reached for a spatula caked in cherry filling. Laughter seeped in from under the door. J. Weatherbee snatched and ran. Through the door, out the back gate and into the woods.
His behavior had earned him the name MIDNIGHT CREEPER. No party was safe. He could throw his own party with everything he had stolen. A full kitchenette squirreled away, hidden in Jack McCormack’s back woods.
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Already Died
She ALREADY DIED, so when Mark called to say it was over, that they should just be friends, Kim could acquiesce. This was because she was a ghost now. Kim’s body was in bed and the spirit was in the kitchen, but its arm reached through the wall to the phone in the dining room and the other arm stretched across town to Mark’s house where she could message his throat with her cold, translucent hand.
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Kiss the Devil
Host: “Ok, everyone, it’s time to play … KISS THE DEVIL! Archangel Gabriel is our first contestant. Welcome, Arch!”
Archangel: “I will not kiss the dark one.”
Host: “Well, you’ll sure be tough to beat now. Folks, meet our next contestant: Ozzy Osbourne!”
Ozzy: “Uh … uhh … Sharon!”
Host: “She’ll be along soon. Our final contestant, a bow-tied neo-conservative from Bob Jones University, is Douglas Christie!”
DC: “Yes, hello. I’m game as long as the devil isn’t a Black man.”
Host: “Yikes! Was this skit terrible from the start?”
All three contestants: “Yes!”
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
San Berdoo Sunburn
I’m in a body cast due to an unfortunate bank safe accident in South Carolina. With my one good finger I point at things and tap to the songs on the radio. But why would I ever feel sore? After all, I’m going cross-country with my girl, Courtney. She’s driving, and I’m pointing and tapping. She can be a pain in the ass, but I love her. In fact, that’s her name, Love, but she’ll be changing that soon. I plan to propose. I just need to get out of this body cast and get to LA, where my pale skin will probably burn up in a heartbeat.
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Wastin’ My Time
List: Reading, watching TV, jacking off, computer, food, junk food, drinking, sleeping, moaning, weeping, trying on clothes, thank you notes, writing in low light, counting money, calling accountants, praying, braying, loving, leaving
✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘
Miss Alissa
She was a friend of a friend, and we were never properly introduced, and she had a thing for McCormack and people said she drank too much (What fun!) and I tried to get her attention telepathically when she was nearby, Health class in high school, where my only contribution to the classroom discussion was reading condom directions incorrectly, and I considered dropping my history class to get into hers but then realized I was stalking too close with my voodoo dance.


