Money Jungle

✌🏼Peace✌️ ❤️Love❤️ 🤘🏾Death Metal🤘🏿

Speaking in Tongues

Ho! Pigs! (Ho!) Me! (Ho!) Ego! (Ho!) Mustache! (Ho!) Turbocharged! (Ho!) A word that means sex! (Ho!) 

Dunananat-nat-nannanananananananana! Woosh!

(toots scoop!)

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

So Easy

It would be easy. With this stuff here. I hit it like ⏩ Papp! Papp! Papp! ⏪ I make you unnerstand. CUZ I’M DEVLISH when it comes to dat! I wear the horns in this here relationship!

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Flames Go Higher

The FLAMES are rolling down Santa Monica Boulevard. Pink scarves trail over their shoulders, leather chaps frame their denim clad buttocks. It’s an army, all with cowcatcher mustaches. The light turns green and it’s time to GO! They’ve got soul, and they show it by coordinating pounds – fisting pounds – as they ride. One potato, two potato. They peel into Hollywood, ripping the pavement as they go HIGHER!

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Bad Dream Momma

“I got off with her in, like, 3 minutes. I mean, she was that hot. So, I blow out like … ‘Money? Say huh?’ … And I run downstairs straight into the Den Mother, the madame, the old crow. ‘She loved your monkey! Now pony up!’ I cold-cocked her with my pimp stick and said, ‘When you wake up, it’ll just be a bad dream, momma!’

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

English Girl

The last picture I have of my parole officer is this: he’s lying in the grass next to the Tower of Pisa in Italy. The tower is leaning. He is lying in the grass with the Tower over his shoulder. His pants are down and his cock is out and stiff. He looks like he’s comparing the arc of his shaft to the lean of the building, as if using it to measure the curvature by some geometrical theorem. Or maybe he’s saying he has the Tower of cocks. In the picture it is late, dusk, and I assume the tourists are gone. The real story is in who took the pic: the parole officer met some ENGLISH GIRL who, apparently, turned him on to things he had never heard of in his 27 years on the job.

There’s a message on the back of the pic:  🍆Keep Up the Good Work!🍆

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Stacks O’ Money

🎶One here, one there. Slip this bill in your G-string, lower that drawbridge. I’ve got mountains of honey, sugar.🎶

🎶I bought the magic beans, gave them to my girl. She planted the boogie tree and the fruit grew. Then she gave it all to you-know-who.🎶

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Midnight Creeper

J. Weatherbee was armed with a can opener. He jimmied the lock on the back door and entered the kitchen. The remnants of house party food were cooling on the counter. He reached for a spatula caked in cherry filling. Laughter seeped in from under the door. J. Weatherbee snatched and ran. Through the door, out the back gate and into the woods.

His behavior had earned him the name MIDNIGHT CREEPER. No party was safe. He could throw his own party with everything he had stolen. A full kitchenette squirreled away, hidden in Jack McCormack’s back woods.

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Already Died

She ALREADY DIED, so when Mark called to say it was over, that they should just be friends, Kim could acquiesce. This was because she was a ghost now. Kim’s body was in bed and the spirit was in the kitchen, but its arm reached through the wall to the phone in the dining room and the other arm stretched across town to Mark’s house where she could message his throat with her cold, translucent hand.

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Kiss the Devil

Host: “Ok, everyone, it’s time to play … KISS THE DEVIL! Archangel Gabriel is our first contestant. Welcome, Arch!”

Archangel: “I will not kiss the dark one.”

Host: “Well, you’ll sure be tough to beat now. Folks, meet our next contestant: Ozzy Osbourne!”

Ozzy: “Uh … uhh … Sharon!”

Host: “She’ll be along soon. Our final contestant, a bow-tied neo-conservative from Bob Jones University, is Douglas Christie!”

DC: “Yes, hello. I’m game as long as the devil isn’t a Black man.”

Host: “Yikes! Was this skit terrible from the start?”

All three contestants: “Yes!”

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

San Berdoo Sunburn

I’m in a body cast due to an unfortunate bank safe accident in South Carolina. With my one good finger I point at things and tap to the songs on the radio. But why would I ever feel sore? After all, I’m going cross-country with my girl, Courtney. She’s driving, and I’m pointing and tapping. She can be a pain in the ass, but I love her. In fact, that’s her name, Love, but she’ll be changing that soon. I plan to propose. I just need to get out of this body cast and get to LA, where my pale skin will probably burn up in a heartbeat.

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Wastin’ My Time

List:  Reading, watching TV, jacking off, computer, food, junk food, drinking, sleeping, moaning, weeping, trying on clothes, thank you notes, writing in low light, counting money, calling accountants, praying, braying, loving, leaving

✌🏿❤️🤘🏽✌🏼 ❤️ 🤘

Miss Alissa

She was a friend of a friend, and we were never properly introduced, and she had a thing for McCormack and people said she drank too much (What fun!) and I tried to get her attention telepathically when she was nearby, Health class in high school, where my only contribution to the classroom discussion was reading condom directions incorrectly, and I considered dropping my history class to get into hers but then realized I was stalking too close with my voodoo dance.

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Short Stories

Rolling in the Deep

            There was once a beautiful building by the bay, one that gleamed a bright brown in the sunset hours. It did no harm to anyone. Generations of New Yorkers lived inside it, from the 1920s on. The building housed talented artists, criminals, boys and girls, women of science, men of letters, grandmas of warm cookies, uncles of ill repute, and cats (but no dogs because they were not allowed).

            Through no fault of its own, the building was sinking. As it sat in Manhattan, the city itself was subsiding, as it had since the last ice age. Scientists said that the Great Sinking – as the building preferred to think of it (if it could be said that the building had any thoughts) – had been occurring at 1.6 millimeters per year. And for over one hundred years the sea levels were rising. This had been the century of decline, literally.

            The beautiful building was sinking into the bay and nothing could be done to stop it. Engineers had their hands full with more pressing matters, like pumping water out of the basement of the nearby hospital. Firefighters were farther inland, setting up a new elementary school. The police focused on directing traffic away from the flood zone.

            To be forgotten about could hurt anyone, and if it could be said that buildings had feelings like people and dogs, the building would feel hurt. But little did it know it would soon fall victim to Cupid’s arrow.

            The octopus is known to be the most intelligent invertebrate of the sea. There are more types than humanity could ever dream; sneaky mollusks that they are, they have maps to the deepest, darkest ocean spots ingrained in their minds. In short, what man knows of the octopuses is but the tip of the octopi iceberg.

            The largest octopus could not enter man’s thoughts without causing panic, for it is a creature that takes up all the shadows and all the darkness man can imagine. If one true monster exists at the depths of man’s consciousness it is the Giant Octopus, not because it is specifically lethal to man but because man is in no way a threat to it. Man has discovered the giant Pacific octopus, which can grow up to 30 feet wide and weigh over 600 pounds. Impressive, but a mere flea compared to what lies beneath where light can reach.

            If it is possible for a building to have feelings, can it cry out in pain or sorrow? If so, we know that sound travels faster in water than in air. Did the Giant Octopus hear such a cry? Is that why it turned its slit-shaped eye in the building’s direction? And if a building can have feelings, can the Giant Octopus move out of the shadows to take a closer look? And if all this can happen, why can’t Cupid’s arrow ricochet off the building’s facade and shoot into one of the octopus’ three hearts?

            Yes, there was love brewing in tres corazones. Yes, warm feelings were crackling in the hearth of every apartment on each floor. As the building sank, the Giant Octopus rose to meet it

            As Cupid’s arrow was finding its marks, there were residents of the building who were falling out of love. As they saw their floors tilt and their walls buck, they thought, I’m coming out downside wrong on this deal. It’s time to split. Falling out of love with your place of residence is better than falling out a window of your sinking apartment complex. So, split they did.

            And that sinking feeling was all around town. Every New Yorker wondered who would be next. Who would go home to find that their dwelling had lost air like a flat tire. Who had lost some inches off their vertical like a ballplayer.

            Nobody really cared about the buildings themselves, just the stuff inside.

            The building that was sinking, the one that would soon fall head over heels, the one suddenly empty inside, was not an Art Deco masterpiece like its 1920s brethren. It was eight stories of plain, clean brickwork, and it let everyone walk all over it.

            The Giant Octopus was a loner by design. He wasn’t made to socialize. He didn’t know if there was another of his species around for a thousand miles, let alone a suitable mate. He had lived in the murky depths for so long, it seemed like darkness was all that existed.

            The fish that swam overhead never saw him, and the other octopi were snobs. No man would dare to sink so low, their vessels not able to manage the pressure.

            The Giant Octopus spent most of his life in blackness because he thought he deserved no better. Then he simply looked up and saw his love slipping down towards him. He knew he wanted more.

            When the first tentacle wrapped around the base of the structure, people saw it and remarked, “What?” Their interrogative had a tone of incredulity. In other words, they couldn’t believe what they saw.

            There are videos on social media labeled “sea monster dragging building down NYC,” “giant squid attack in Manhattan,” and “Loch Ness on East Coast.”

            People talked about a monster destroying their beloved building, the one they neglected to paint for decades. The one with cracks in the foundation. With holes in the roof.

            One thing that the building and the Giant Octopus didn’t know (and really, how could they?) is that this is the way everyone sees love from a distance when they know nothing. Someone is the victim of it, someone is the monster, someone is always dragging the other one down to their level.

            Would you believe that there were even older, more established buildings situated more inland that had a view of the entire romance? Would you believe that they looked down on the building and what it wanted? Can you believe that they judged it harshly, remarking that it was throwing its life away with this sea trash?

            An octopus arm can rejuvenate like a building floor can renovate. For so many years, the two lovers looked over the water at the same moon in the same night sky, separately, just from different angles, high and low.

            They had so much in common and they never knew it.

            Did the Giant Octopus reach out from deep, chilly waters into fresh New York City air, wrap its tentacles around the building and drag it down to its level, down in the briny deep? Or did the building, seeing the undulating cephalopod rising upwards in the moonglow, rush its own demise to meet it?

            Whichever the case, the lover’s clinch happened slowly. The Giant Octopus was tentative, holding its breath (both in nervousness and because it couldn’t breathe out of water). The building did everything slowly, and falling into its lover’s eight arms was no exception.

            They had plenty of time to back out if this wasn’t a sure thing.

            Much later, the people who didn’t get it and the fish that didn’t get it and the buildings that didn’t get it will see (either with their wall-eyed gaze or via photograph) the eight-limbed leviathan and the no longer pristine eight-story structure canoodling at the bottom of the ocean, eight tentacles weaving their way through eight windows on eight levels, the tips emerging from the opposite sides, a meshed embrace. Those fish and those people and those buildings will say they saw the whole thing: when they met, the initial connection, and the two of them rolling into the deep blue. And those fish and those people and those buildings will say that they knew it would work out all along.

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