I tried a backflip into the pool the other day. Hadn’t done that in decades. I’m 46 and I shouldn’t be doing backflips. The Centers for Disease Control says so. They’ll come and put a mask on my plugged nose. The FBI will confiscate my flippers and snorkel.

I’m ashamed to admit it, but … after 46 years on this planet … I still don’t know what I’m gonna do … when Hulkamania runs wild on me …

Not Hulk Hogan

You don’t want to live in an airtight house. You will suffocate. You will dislocate. And chocolate. Where’s this choco – lesterol? My kids think about a house that can just float away if it needs to move. Like a ship, watertight.

Human beings are things made mostly of water that try desperately to keep it out of their basements.

I’m writing a screenplay about a wild goose chase in a casino. Tentative title: Gooses Are Wild!

Goose

Haters in my life? Point ’em out! I don’t know what I did. I don’t know what I need to do. Get your revenge before it’s too late. Did you know that people my age die? Often. Unexpectedly. I’m sure they didn’t expect it either.

My name is Richard Corinthian Leather, but everyone calls me Rich.

Rich Corinthian Leather

In the movie Ghost, Whoopi Goldberg becomes the conduit for Patrick Swayze, aka P-Swayz. P-Swayz convinces Whoopi to talk to his wife, Demi Moore. When she finally accepts that Whoopi is possessed by P-Swayz, they make love. In the film, there is a cut so that the viewer sees P-Swayz and Demi begin to make out. But here is the weird part. In the reality of the movie, if you were in that room watching, perhaps in a closet with a camcorder (one of those big, shoulder-carry styles because this was the early nineties), you would see Demi Moore make out with Whoopi Goldberg (I mean the characters they play of course). So, as much as all three want it to be Demi and P-Swayz, she can only work with Whoopi’s body. And Whoopi’s body doesn’t have a cock. At least, I don’t think so. Demi makes love to a woman physically but to her husband mentally. I would think, though, that the discrepancy between what your mind is feeling and what your body is touching would throw you out of it. Or does P-Swayz penetrate her with his ghost dick?

Can I go through tribulations by themselves or must there always be trials beforehand? And can I just go through one tribulation rather than many? What is the International Department of Cliches’ guidance in this matter?

Cli-Ché Guevara